Charles asks…
These are some poems I wrote 2-3 years ago when I first started writing. Honest criticisms would beappreciated?
When the handsome ancient mountains yearningly stare,
Upon their harsh noble realm so quiet and so bare,
Teased by the silent whispering’s of the air,
With moonlit secrets glowing and vaunted to share,
Bound by natures deep and dark desire on their eternal mammoth chair,
Twas a liquored spreading and crafted nightmare,
To see crimson wild with bright-eyed beauty, twinge and still yet stare,
To be more than the foul laden manacles who stubbornly fail to care,
From suns peek-a-boo peek to vespers sleepy ensnare,
Wounded and mortified, old Prometheus tremble would,
Upon hushed desire by silver lonely mountains forever withstood,
While envious victim wives in their weary lives,
Their distant gazes bubbling strives,
Bursting from time to time
Snow covered and rotted earth,
All anguished bullied and chained,
Breathing the last surrendering breath,
A tainted breath of fall colors in vain,
The winds have been dutifully cast,
From polished white chambers come,
A blistering blast,
Like a thirsty sword roaring through the thin air,
The shrill gusts bleed the earth at last,
The forgotten lone tears of roughed up trees,
Shrivel and dance in that biting breeze,
While gaudy onlookers of all thoughts and dreams,
Elaborate wistfully on a winter’s day with a cough and a sneeze,
While the blood red robin on some bough like a stain,
Sings alone again and again,
The once gallant streams of blinding light,
Gone from the coward sun,
Boyish summer days are on the run,
Winter that hounding demon,
Flits against the Mozart meadow,
Glazed with alien white,
Like some distinct devil in a rocking cradle with horrific smirk,
What a ghastly sight Oh! What a ghastly sight!
There I lay reposing on the couch,
Dreaming and feeling in its dark leather pouch,
An ethereal silence about,
No one to scream,
And no one to pout,
Everything seemed fine,
Stress seemed to consign,
The angels about,
Sweetly benign,
As I bemused and perused,
Through the pages of my mind,
Suddenly! Unexpectedly!
I found myself at some promontory,
Stabbing and cutting into a deep dark sea,
Far from my Elysium,
Now at this mare tenebrarum,
My surroundings sensing my alarum,
And I alone waiting my doom,
Far in the distant mist Azrael announced,
His emergence,
With his wistful and dismal effulgence,
I wait and wait as he nears,
The situation germinating,
Tears and fears,
All the while the azure sky eats from its golden plate!
Of fruits and roots,
Picked from heaven’s divine basket,
As Apollo leaves the day to night,
In his mighty casket!
Still I stand waiting for deaths hand,
To command me to the river of fire,
My hopes and dreams now dire,
Alas!! Azrael arrives now in his acrid appearance,
Ready and haughty to read me my sentence,
With his alarming potency and patience,
As I prepare to hearken,
To my judgment,
My heart begins to darken,
Succumb young man to your ill fortune,
Please do not implore,
Cries of mercy I’ve heard before!
Whether your words are mellifluous,
Or lifeless,
Whether you are sinful,
Or sinless,
Your heart is worthless,
In awe I was still on the promontory,
Azrael like the dying leaf floating before me,
Singing his violet song,
While the waves below us helped the melody move along,
O’ angel of death pardon my din,
But where doth lie my sin?
THE NECKLACE
The Skies were handsome, lonely, and blue,
Charmed seagulls gasped and approved,
Radiated was my fragile heart,
Before the day she decided to depart,
She had a tangled look on her face,
Her brunettes waved all over the place,
Yet she sneaked a smile that cooed,
My eyes bewildered began to protrude,
The weather was petite the weather was calm,
She was offbeat she was in a state of maelstrom,
The pupils of her eyes wild with flame,
Pleading with pythons ready to exclaim,
My love you are,
Boring,
Snoring,
Aching and breaking,
Plus you smell of sweat,
(What more could I be but more than upset?)
Ah! Red alchemy put me in swirl,
As her sinuous offense cold as pearl,
Left me bamboozled at my girl,
I whined and whined like some wailing siren,
She declined unkind in penetrating fashion,
Leaving me deserted and barren and boozy,
In a bulk of sulk I was gloomy!
Suddenly a tweet so sweet in cadence of spring birds anxious for the summer they greet,
Upbeat! Her voice trod from heavenly corners:
Many a woman you can find,
Devilish or unkind,
From bowing tree to glowing tree,
From dusty page to rotten age,
Remember never to leave the stage (or scene),
Here is necklace worn once by your queen,
The one you found in the latrine,
The one that was rusted and unclean,
The gift from you I objected to,
Now all yours to accompany your snores!
OH! That jewelry dangling (smelling like rotten milk) upon her finger of silk would be my disgrace,
But I braved a senator’s nod to add some pace,
Looked down sad at my shoes untied lace,
And so she was gone
They’re a bit embarrassing to look at. But peoples opinions are always intriguing
Joy answers:
I see that your poems rhyme…don’t do it. I know when people think of poems most of them think of rhyming, but it doesn’t have to rhyme. It actually takes away from the poems and people tend to focus more on the words that rhyme instead of the poem as a whole. It also sounds a bit childish and song-like.
Also play with line breaks. Try not to keep your lines around the same length and attempt to have breaks that would enhance the poems or a certain word that you want to stand out.
Play with sound and numbers. The number 3 is usually very powerful and stands out. You might want to try doing that and combining it with alliteration. Try different things and see what happens. Don’t overdo it though.
HAPPY WRITING!!! XD
Powered by Yahoo! Answers
